Tuesday, 3 December 2013

What NOT to buy parents this Christmas

Don't you dare put socks in my sack again.

The Christmas countdown has arrived. Hooray hooray! Jingle all the way! Or maybe I could tell you where to shove those bells...? I normally love Christmas but now I'm three years into parenthood I'm finding it's a lot more stressful than it used to be.

The tree only went up yesterday and already almost every decoration has been either smashed, ripped or eaten. The advent calendar was jumped on before the first window could be opened and the Christmas lights have been licked within an inch of power failure and human electrocution.

I haven't even started on the Christmas cards or gifts. My husband asked me what I wanted the other day and I couldn't think of anything, because now I'm a mum Christmas is basically all about the kids - which I'm actually fine with. But me? What are you talking about? When asked about what presents I wanted, the only things that came to mind instead were things I knew I DIDN'T want.

So here it is - my anti-Christmas list (or what NOT to buy people with small children):

1. An alarm clock
Do you honestly think I need one? I don't even know what sleeping in or waking up naturally is anymore. If it's not one of the children forcing me out of bed at dawn's crack, it's the cat sitting on my chest purring in my face, or the kookaburras going crazy outside. Whether I want to be or not, I'm literally up with the birds.

2. Anything white
White dress. White trousers. White couch. White tablecloth. White rug. White couch...Are you insane? White lasts two seconds in our house - and I'm not just blaming the kids either. I'm walking around like a zombie half the time - combine that with natural clumsiness and a glass of wine and it's all over. And then I'm the mug that has to magically try and reclaim the whiteness. So trust me, I ain't dreaming of a white Christmas.

3. Anything breakable
I'm talking glass vases, precious ornaments, valuable electronics - anything that could easily be broken or smashed if it gets into the wrong hands. Yes I am clumsy, but this one's on the kids. Pretty much everything of value we own has either been destroyed, is tucked away in the garage or put way up on the highest shelves. I don't even know where anything is anymore. The easier solution would be to simply not own anything valuable until the children are old enough to resist the temptation not to break it. 

4. A dog
I already clean up enough poo that isn't mine. I do NOT need to add the task of picking up dog logs from the lawn to my list of chores. And as much as I love animals, I do NOT need the extra responsibility of daily walks and baths, not to mention potential noise complaints from neighbours and all the other general responsibilities that come with owning another animal.

5. A drum kit
No explanation necessary.   


What do you NOT want for Christmas this year?
 
Photo credit: Shark Chunks

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